Self-Checkout

Sean M. Hayes has an MFA in fiction writing from UW-Madison. He lives in North Providence, RI and works as a line cook, writing in the early morning hours before work.


It was a peculiarly warm Christmas Day, seventy degrees, and all of us God-fearing folks suffered in our ugly Christmas sweaters.. The church was stuffy as a summer attic. Father T stood before us, the Bible open on the pulpit, but he never read the Gospel that day. His transition lenses looked like the bottom of  wine bottles, his head a dried apricot, awkwardly round and wrinkled, wispy white hair combed over all corpse-like. His orthopaedic shoes squeaked when he walked to the tabernacle and stuffed a handful of apocalypse-proof communion wafers into the pockets of his pants. There was a gasp from the pews. Then Father T grabbed a sacramental wine bottle by its neck like it did something bad and squeaked over to the pulpit. We all looked at each other, thinking it might be a test. A lesson on the most blessed day. He took off his collar, it was detachable after all, placed it on the pulpit, and tapped on the microphone twice. Some will tell you that he laughed like the devil. Some will tell you he was the devil.

Father T hobbled down the aisle, bowing and pretending to take praise, a shotgun wedding where he knocked up and married himself. A smile bigger than Jesus on the man. His smile withered into a barren tree, before he pushed open the giant wooden doors of St. Paul’s. Most of us followed him at that point, down the steps of the church, buzzing behind him like a cloud of flies. Stone grey clouds hovered above, casting shadows that seemed to move with us. The plastic nativity set that Father T and Sister Janey bought at Walmart had living eyeballs that followed us as we walked by. Father T stopped for a second, grilling the biblical plastic, then all of us, with a look like maybe the earthly world, heaven, and hell were made from durable polyethylene. Even the mass growing inside his head became plastic to him, doctor’s tom foolery, a collection basket made to look like woven wood. A tall tale more twisted than Santa and his reindeers and all that NORAD crap they throw at us to make it seem that much more real. Everyone can write a bible. Only geniuses can turn water into wine, megalomania into mega churches, Jesus’s birthday into Black Fridays and Cyber Mondays.

Father T headed down to Lou’s Pharmacy on the corner. He still called it Lou’s even though CVS bought it out five years ago. We all crowded around the front of the store while Father T got himself a package of bologna and a bottle of yellow mustard. He finished the sacramental wine at the self-checkout kiosk, staring at the monitor the same way an atheist might stare at God.

With no bag, items in hand, Father T squeaked one street over to the liquor store. A string of bells jingled on the door as he walked inside. We all crowded at the outside window that was frosted with fake snow spray and watched Father T grab a plastic fifth of some real diabolical stuff, stuff that could make Jesus cannonball splash down into the water he walked on, stuff to make the devil see double. He twisted off the cap, took a whiff, and left it there on the counter. The cashier looked at him as if he had botched an exorcism and got possessed himself. Father T dragged his finger through the fake snow on the window, leaving a transparent line pointing towards salvation. The string of bells on the door jingled on his way out.

His final destination that day was the park. It was empty, minus Father T, God, and the thinning congregation, following the word of the Lord down the valley of the shadow of death. Father T found a bench that looked out at the thinly iced-over pond. The week before had been below freezing every day. He sat down and took the wafers out of his pocket. He peeled open the bologna packet, putting a torn piece onto a wafer and untwisted the cap on the mustard, pulling the safety seal off with his teeth. Watery residue farted its way out the squeeze top before turning into a real masterpiece, some Sistine Chapel stuff. He sandwiched it closed with another wafer and ate it. He walked towards the water that should’ve been frozen enough for all of us to test if it could hold the weight of our faith.

There were only a few of us left. The few that needed to follow something until the end. That was when the downpour fell, instead of snow. That was when he walked onto the watery ice, holding up his hand for us to stay on shore, so we folded our hands in prayer. That was when the ice broke and he sank and we prayed until he was completely submerged. That was when we unfolded our praying hands and formed a human chain, stomping through the melting ice to pull his drowning ass out onto the muddy bank. Sister Janey performed CPR on him until he coughed up water and he smiled a smile bigger than Jesus. That was when the stone grey clouds rolled open like a tomb to let the sun shine down into December. That was a month before Father T entered the hospice. Nine months before the morphine dripped into his veins like the Blood of Christ and he was read his last rites. That was the Gospel he never read. The Gospel of the Lord. Amen.

In Certain Corners of the World the Final Judgement Has Already Taken Place

(Translated from Swedish by Bradley Harmon)

Birgitta Trotzig (1929-2011) was one of the 20th century’s most revered Swedish authors. After making her debut in 1951 and writing across many genres, her major works include the 1982 prose poem collection Anima and the 1972 novel The Malady (which was adapted into the 1979 film The Emperor), she is likely best known for her final novel, the 1985 canonical masterpiece The Marsh King’s Daughter, which has been translated into six languages. She was elected to the Swedish Academy in 1993 and awarded many of the major literary prizes in Sweden. Her writings are being reissued in a 12-volume set of authoritative collected works. 

Bradley Harmon is a writer, translator and scholar of Scandinavian and German literature and philosophy. His work has appeared in a wide range of literary venues. In 2022, he was an ALTA Emerging Translator Fellow. He lives between Stockholm and Baltimore, where he's a PhD candidate at Johns Hopkins University.


There was an old poor town that stood on top of a hill in the middle of a vast plain. A plain, a dusty road, a deep ravine behind the town—quays and crows in the sky. An old but meaningless town. There lived two kinds of people—one within the other, one separated from the other, which later counted itself as the ordinary and normal humanity. But the ordinary in their part of the town—which was the larger of the two—and the other separated in theirs, the confined quarter up against the town’s northern wall—they saw the same constellations.

For both, those same stars composed a Hunter.

Two gray peoples, one within the other. One turned itself towards death with hands ready to strangle—the other waited, with naked faces and unbuttoned shirts, to die. One was an extinguisher, another was what would be extinguished. One lived as if blind, ate and drank—another was born to see into darkness. One could sit down to eat and drink—another had nothing to eat or drink.

This gray people. The roots of their being were embedded in non-being. Their faces betrayed a revelation: their bodies were the borderland. Their bodies were distended into columns. They hallucinated from hunger—light that lingered motionless on the walls, gestalts of the dead that disappeared behind a corner, animal faces that emerged from deep within the dark but vanished when one tried to fix one’s gaze on them.  Their children were born with the night vision of a cat.

One of them was a boy—hopelessly hungry. By some miracle he became a baker’s apprentice and got to feast on bread scraps.

For the baker’s apprentice, life was such that, in the middle of the night while the entire town was asleep around him, he would stir from his slumber and fire up the baker’s oven. He heaved himself out of sleep and lit a candle and got dressed:  he caught a glimpse of his own face in the part of the mirror touched by candlelight—gray, a lump of dough, a nothing—before he blew out the candle and bolted out the door. Behind him his parents and siblings slept. Half asleep he stumbled forward through the silent dark sleeping human-saturated town. The night wind pushed through the streets: a foreign damp gust of air from outside, from away, the smell of clay, the smell of wet stones, perhaps the whisper of the wellspring far below. Had a rock fallen down through the ravine? The night world, another world: the reflecting world of nightfall.

And once he had lit up the oven. The hours tumbled on like a landslide. Once and a while he tossed in fresh wood. The baker’s face in the mightily illuminated glow from the oven’s mouth, his arms in the tray—the nocturnal human.

The apprentice sat on the edge of the oven, whether awake or asleep. But awake or asleep he always saw the town before him, the entire town, the separated and the other—under every roof lay slumbering wriggled in under the covers, entwined across and over each other in the most bizarre positions. As if uprooted—as if felled. As if dropped. Those gray unformed faces. They could be both newly born or newly dead.

The baker was someone who had power. What happened in the dough where they in all silence lifted themselves up under their covers?

And one night when the boy woke up, he noticed that the house was empty. But out on the street, the pattering sounds of many running feet scurrying past, shivering light scurrying past, voices.

But when he came out onto the street, everything was extinguished and dark. There was only a peculiar voice dispersing in the darkness, one after another people passed by him running in the dark up towards the mighty northern wall.

Already in the stairwell leading up inside the wall—he heard familiar voices, his father’s and his uncle’s—he noticed that it wasn’t yet as dark as he’d thought when he first went out onto the street. Shadows of light fluttered and sunk into the darkness. And the farther up they went—an excited mass of people thronging up from below—the more clearly the patches of reddish light fell from the embrasures, as if cut out from the wall, onto the anxious tense faces as they hastily surged upwards, a sharply upward-flowing river of bodies and excited voices up the narrow steep staircase and out onto the terrace behind the parapet where during the day one had a view of the area that stretched for miles—yes, where in clear weather you had the feeling that it was the whole land, not to say the whole world, that here lay beneath you.

And now in the middle of the night, one could also see everything.

Against the herd of humans pressing out of the tower door and spilling out onto the terrace, in the middle of the winter night, the air struck heavy and hot as if out of the oven. The entire plain, and all the way to the forests in the northeast, every single tree, every wheel track, every rock, appeared illuminated in a copper-billowing unearthly large light. It stretched from horizon to horizon without changing or weakening: invariably as deep and hot and clear throughout. They stood with open mouths—aimless—against the battlements. But no one leaned out of the now entirely immobile darkly dressed flock of people who were already sweating in their heavy winter jackets.

Yes, it was as if they were going to wither down like leaves.

Then one of the uncles pointed with a long trembling index finger to the south –

          – yes, it was true, there was something to be seen. It was where the neighboring town had been. It was not there anymore.

It was unspeakable. It was as if they, in unison, were falling and falling – a patient whirlwind filled their clothes and pulled them with it over the battlement, swirling slowly they fell and fell like leaves out over the plain. The deep silence surrounding. How it deepened and deepened. The entire plain and every rock and wheel track in the copper-glowing consummate light. If it was something that had already been or something that would come: or if it was how it actually is.

More Than A Feeling

Vik Shirley is a UK poet and writer whose collection, The Continued Closure of the Blue Door (HVTN), pamphlets, Corpses (Sublunary Editions), Grotesquerie for the Apocalypse (Beir Bua) and Poets (The Red Ceilings Press), and book of photo-poetry Disrupted Blue and other poems on Polaroid (Hesterglock) were all published 2020-2022. Her sequel to Corpses, Notes from the Underworld, is forthcoming from Sublunary Editions. Her work has appeared in Poetry London, The Rialto, Magma, 3am Magazine, The Indianapolis Review, Tentacular, Perverse and Tears in the Fence. A Poetry School tutor, she has a PhD in Dark Humour and the Surreal from the University of Birmingham. Vik is Associate Editor of Sublunary Editions and Co-Editor of Surreal-Absurd for Mercurius magazine


The only thing that made her happy was listening to Boston's 'More Than a Feeling'. It started ironically, as many of these things do: parties, air guitar, rock 'n' roll hand-horns. Next thing you know this woman's got a convertible, the top down, driving down highways, looking earnest and wistful, saying "Jesus, I love this song" under her breath, clenching her fist tightly, lost in the sheer power of the track. She's walking into bars buying whiskies for guys. Taking them back to her motel, making love to them, swishing her long blonde hair about, with Boston's 'More Than a Feeling' playing. By now she can only climax while listening to the song. Then she starts collecting guys, training them to learn to sing it. She keeps them in the basement, feeding them only traditional foods of Boston, such as Boston Baked Beans, Boston Chowder and Boston Cream Pie. Eventually one of them escapes and blows the lid on her, others weren't so lucky. She is sentenced to the electric chair but is allowed to listen to her favourite song as they throw the switch.

Undoing

Susan Nordmark's writing appears or is forthcoming in Michigan Quarterly Review, New World Writing, Tupelo Quarterly, Los Angeles Review, Bellingham Review, and many other journals. She lives in Oakland, California.


I. What you remember is how some boy always had a Volkswagen bug and when the kids were loading it because you were small they tried to make you crunch up in the wayback which was cramped and alone. You stood aside, wind casting weedy hair across your cheeks, feet crunching the dead grass, the yard shining alien in headlamp light until others had found seats and someone else was curled in the back and then some voice in the dark, someone holding an almost empty beer in its red plastic cup, told you go sit on so-and-so’s lap. It would be a boy usually you didn’t know and you didn’t talk to after that day any more than you did before that day, but on that night you would feel his body move slightly under your hips, not in any obvious way but slightly shifting, despite his legs stiff and heavy in fabric. It was a different boy every time, a different bunch of kids, it was a night where you didn’t know their names even though maybe during the day you did have a name for each face but not these nights, the darkness changes their faces,  everything gleaming in day gone and the day's blank spaces soft as fog and blooming, features erased and all you have is a star-scatter of syllables and grunts in the car and everyone in shadow, turn off the light man I can’t see to drive says whoever is behind the wheel and he pulls back the gearshift and the car leaps and gravel throws its teeth into the tires, rubber and rocks making a time of it, the building you’re leaving silhouetted purple. The driver finds rhythm with the dance of this new-to-him car and you’re pulled ragged one and another way and the boy you’re made to jam onto is pulled too and you pull together, you both know you want to smell each other, you lean into the force and a plume of scent rises from his hair and the car swings into the highway, into speed. Notice your clothing, how you long to lay your open neck against his face, and where your blouse’s bodice seam leaves way, and how can you lean it further. You want to feel his lips against your chest. The car makes another hard turn and the boy puts his hands against your shoulders steadying you and you relax into them, feeling them a bit stiff as he’s afraid to push it though he doesn’t know you’re glad because if he knew then you’d be a slut which you can’t risk, the car is asphalt bumping, you don’t remember where they said, a place to drink or maybe a different place, or someone’s house, twenty maybe fifty miles of jittering metal and hard vinyl and charcoal shadow and his elbows firm and the car slows around some block, someone with nice parents, where the lights would go on when the car pulls near a porch with planter pots and a cut lawn and someone says quick, tip all the ash into here, I can’t have it found in the car, and there will be a bright kitchen fragrant with tomato sauce something hot, swirling steam, and boys will throw open the fridge, HEY what is there HEY, and their voices loud and laughing and greedy for whatever they can find. But now it’s still cushioned dark, the curb reaching out quiet to accept the car pulling up, and the boy’s hands still staying your shoulders.

II. There was a time he was living at another house and so that he wouldn’t be alone at his desk with his books of numbers twelve hours a day, he took the cats, so you had no one to wait for and no food you didn’t buy, your rooms quiet as clouds. He was not gone, his hands were not, he came and cooked and lay with you and drove home at 3 a.m., and in some complex pattern you drove to the rotting house under oak and bay trees where he was living on one floor, the rest of it an abandonment of cardboard boxes and left-behind file cases of out-of-date scientific papers and posters no one wanted and crumbled medicines, no heat, the furnace torn out, and you didn’t drink to get warm, not even a little whiskey shot. You lay on his bed, an old polyester quilt, drinking ginger root tea, one cat curled against your thigh, another on your feet tendered in wool socks, human fur. Your returning highway traffic at 3 a.m. was purposive, flying evenly like solitary birds, the city still, graceful, houses and storefronts finally able to settle among one another, unmarred by antic machines. You drove along empty streets, buildings softly speaking to their fellows, raccoons running the sidewalks.

III. You remember these things when you are newly paired along the line, you look into someone's face and offer your palm or look up and to the side because you can’t bear his face, too likely to fling you into a feeling he’ll see that you can’t hide and you don’t know him so you want to hide it and keep that trick where your bodies stand close but you’ll have your taste alone, not lonely but alone. Some men feel humbled to dance with you, you know that now, but you allow no expression. Be undoing. This man unfolds his fingers and takes yours and you gauge your weight against the gravity he sets, grasping your waist like a glass of merlot. Music strands out and you count, looking for the eight, looking for the one, fluorescents drenching the room and you close your eyes, eager to forget language and remember the chamber in which you and some boy held each other in careful darkness, the wheel of blood moving inside each of you.

BBQ

Glen Pourciau’s third story collection, Getaway, was published in 2021 by Four Way Books. His stories have been published by AGNI Online, Green Mountains Review, New England Review, New World Writing, The Paris Review, Post Road, and others.


I haven’t spoken more than a few words to anyone for some time. I’ve contacted no one and no one has attempted to contact me. Leaving the house seems an inconvenience and a burden. I’ve lived for years by the rule that my thoughts should be kept to myself. At times, I confess, I do miss seeing people. I keep this feeling at bay by taking long walks where I see people in passing. I dread hearing them speak. Even saying hello can lead to some form of conversation, and I vary my course to avoid crossing paths with the same people.

Occasionally I order takeout food. I recently phoned in an order to a barbecue place I’d read about in the paper. I arrived when I said I’d be there, opened the door, and made immediate eye contact with the man I took to be the proprietor, who did not say a word. So far, so good, I thought. A rising look of disapproval appeared on his face as I neared and said my name. He lifted the bag from the counter on his left and glared at me. I paid with my credit card. He slapped the slip down for me to sign, his nose flaring. Did he smell something? I focused on his nose, which opened wider as if to give me a deeper look inside. Did he see himself as superior to me for some reason? Did his look imply I was unwelcome there? I signed the slip and picked up the bag. His eyes didn’t let me go. Was he speaking to me through them? What were they saying? I swallowed my thoughts and left.

But I considered going back for an explanation. In his mind, was he still staring at me? What did he think he was looking at? At one point I turned around, the aroma of my sandwich not letting me forget him for a second. I began to sweat as I approached, the unrelenting questions changing my mind and direction. I decided we should both be quiet.

I returned to my place, by then eager to be rid of the sight and smell of the sandwich. I shoved it down the garbage disposal, but in my head the words kept coming.

I haven’t taken a walk in a week, though I could be on the verge of popping out the door. I’ve been standing at the front window, watching passersby and wondering what they could be thinking, a perilous preoccupation. I will soon need to go to a grocery store. I can make the trip without speaking.

Here We Are Again

(after Elizabeth Schmuhl)

Cameron Finch [Cam/she/they] is a writer, editor, community arts member, and tree kin, based in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Cameron’s writing appears in various places including The Adroit Journal, The Common, CRAFT, Electric Literature, Isele, Michigan Quarterly Review, Tiny Molecules, and The Rumpus. Find out more at ccfinch.com.


I was finishing my sandwich on my favorite park bench, content to spend the last ten minutes of my lunch break there, listening to life go by, when she appeared like an apparition, transparent and bald with that little star tattooed on the left side, above her ear. The star was new. It made her look tough. Punk. But I still knew the places she was soft. I still had her hair tucked away in the pocket of my jacket. It weighed heavy against my chest.

She was talking to me, but all I could do was stare at her lips. In them, I saw the strawberry field, the one we had rolled in, little red deaths marking where we had been. So in love, weren’t we? So violently, terribly in love with our two redblood bodies, or perhaps it was just the thrill of our reds finally touching. The red of us, was that our love? I saw myself stupidly say I would like to eat her hair. She had laughed. Was it a nervous laugh? I can’t quite remember now. She laughed and then she stopped. She said yes.

She took a Swiss knife from a pocket in her body, handed it to me and breathed, “Take what you want.” I bundled a knot of her mane in my hand, paused before lobbing it off. “Higher,” she said. I nodded and she nodded, and I began to saw the knife back and forth. The hair dropped to my lap and I don’t know why, but I smelled it and it smelled like apples and I told her, “It smells like apples.” She smiled and closed her eyes and something told me to keep going and pretty soon she had no hair and I had it all in my hands and I remember thinking to myself, my god, what have I done?

But she kissed me with those lips, said, “Don’t let her find it,” and I lowered my voice and promised the hair would be safe, stowed in secret, which helped me forget that I was also someone else, someone who’d made vows, someone who combed a kid’s hair at night, someone who was somewhere else living another life. The strawberries made it easy to forget, this strawberry field with this bald apparition, clutching my heart, clutching her hair in my palms, my god, and now here we are again on this cold, hard bench, which makes it more real and I want to ask her what she sees when she looks in the mirror, and does she see me when she looks at my face? The one who keeps her hair. The one who never did eat it.

Or had I turned back into someone else? The forgetting weighs heavy against my chest.

She is still talking to me, her star, her lips staining the air red, but all I hear are planes overhead. Sirens. A dog. A bus how it breathes. Skateboarder’s wheels over pavement cracks. The whisper of hair falling onto grass.

Piano Lessons

Born, raised, and retired in the Newfoundland of Annie Proulx’s Shipping News, Elizabeth Murphy now breathes, reads, and writes in Nova Scotia, Canada. Read her at Free Flash Fiction, in the Bright Flash Literary Review, and Quibble.Lit. Find her on the fringes of Twitter and Instagram @ospreysview.


Like thieves in reverse—bringing something into the house my father didn’t own or want, the movers unloaded the 450-pound beast off the truck into our narrow hallway, swearing, sweating, and ordering him to quit deliberately blocking their way.

“It’s mine,” my mother said. “I got it for free.”

Free plus a $295 delivery bill, plus tax, plus a surcharge for delivery obstacles. At first, my father refused to pay. The more he raised the pitch of his voice, the more they raised theirs. The shouting continued until, finally, he paid them what they were owed, then slammed the door. Sometimes he’d slam a door and, if it didn’t make too much noise, he’d slam it again which he did that day as the movers were leaving.

That’s when the shouting began. My father ranted about our debt, about the meaningless job that gave him sciatica and migraines, about the fact that once again without consulting him, she’d squandered money they didn’t have. My mother repeated, “I got it for free,” dragging out the letter E. They continued shouting while they moved two bulky living room armchairs to the basement because the piano was now in their place. I offered to help, but he said I’d only be in the way. They carried on fighting until my father went upstairs to their bedroom and slammed that door.

My mother spent days cleaning and polishing the piano so that it no longer looked like it had been stored in someone’s shed. After scrubbing the old keys for hours, she removed the mold, though the bleach dulled the ivory and did nothing to improve the tuning. My father said he’d be damned before he’d pay a tuner’s hourly wage that amounted to more than what he earned with his measly post-office clerk salary. As for lessons, he told her she’d have to find a better-paying job.

I gave her two books borrowed from the school library, one on how to read music and the other how play the piano. She patted me on the head and said music came from the soul, not a book. Although only nine years old and no expert, I was certain that, with fingers randomly spread on the keys, the sound she produced wasn’t music. Each time she played, the noise resonated through the adjoining wall of our duplex riling a dog, making it howl.

Now and then, the neighbours would pound on the adjoining wall and my mother would either play more softly or stop altogether. Once, when they pounded on our door, my father went berserk, hands in the air, shouting, “Leave us alone.” He told them the dog should be outside hunting rabbits rather than in their house eavesdropping, then slammed the door. I tried to lighten the mood. “You got a sunburn,” I said. He replied in a staccato voice, “Leave. Me. Alone.” He went upstairs where he slammed the door so hard, the dishes rattled in the kitchen.

They divorced after a year of cacophony originating as much from his temper as from her lack of musical talent. Our house sold on a condition set by my father that we would not be responsible for moving the piano with the rest of our belongings. I felt guilty that we’d left behind a house haunted by a piano and sure to ruin the new owners’ lives as it had ours. Over the next ten years, I saw less and less of him. Each time, I’d make sure to tell him we were pianoless, in case he wanted to come back—an offer he never took up. His heart gave out not long before his planned retirement, and he died with a smile knowing he’d finally evaded the debt collectors.

In high school, I worked various jobs to supplement my mother’s income. Later, as a full-time mechanic, I supported her until, eventually, on a doctor’s recommendation, she moved to a long-term care facility. She was assigned to what they called the wanderers’ ward with a special bracelet that notified staff of her whereabouts. The bracelet was hardly warranted since she never went anywhere but to her room and to the ward’s self-playing piano, donated by the family of a late resident. Staff would ask what she’d like to play, and with help of an iPad, my mother suddenly became an accomplished pianist.

Up until her death at seventy-one, I visited often, clapped, cheered, gave standing ovations, and demanded encores. Sometimes she’d glance over her shoulder, hands off the keys, piano still playing, and say to me, “Billy, tell that mutt next door to go lie down.” I’d picture, not the beagle, but my father’s crimson face, and I staring at him, trying to think of something funny to say to change his mood.

Wayne Shorter Plays Mahjong in the Andes

Jessica Sequeira is a writer and literary translator. Her books include the poem collection Golden Jackal / Chacal Dorado, the novel A Furious Oyster, the story collection Rhombus and Oval, the essay collection Other Paradises: Poetic Approaches to Thinking in a Technological Age and the hybrid work A Luminous History of the Palm. She has translated over twenty books by Latin American authors, including Gabriela Mistral, Winétt de Rokha, Teresa Wilms Montt, Daniel Guebel, Osvaldo Lamborghini, Adolfo Couve, Liliana Colanzi, Hilda Mundy and Rocío Ágreda Piérola. In 2019 she was awarded the Premio Valle-Inclán by the Society of Authors and longlisted for the Warwick Prize for Women in Translation for her translation of Sara Gallardo’s Land of Smoke. She also edits the literary magazine Firmament, published by Sublunary Editions. She has lived in Chile for many years, and recently she completed a PhD at the Centre of Latin American Studies at the University of Cambridge, titled “Other Grounds for Dignity: Ideas from India in the Philosophies of Twentieth-Century Latin American Writers”.


—Round 1, North—

His intensity is evident in the photos. Eyes that see beyond, tense forehead, obvious pain, obvious joy. His fingers cradle the saxophone he blows full of warm, sweet air. He and his music keep traveling. As a teenager he wrote a comic called Other Worlds, fifty-six pages about trips to other planets drawn in blue ink, packed with spaceships and women with kissable mouths. As he got older, he grew more subtle, and less abrupt in his changes, but he never stopped believing in beauty or the ability to reach other worlds. Something possible, for him, through the genuine time machine. Music. A music that breaks with the linear to rearrange the moments of the universe, a music beyond the void that plants a seed of beauty in time, from which peace shall flourish. Death, he always believed or wanted to believe, returns you to the fount of your most secret longings, just like dream. That could be nowhere, or any place you like. The Andes, though he never visited them on Earth, were forever a lure in the deepest folds of his musical brain. There were other fascinations. As a child in the public squares of New York, he adored those cream-colored tiles with bright markings. Mahjong. He watched the old folks play that game accompanied by a flutter of pigeons, tiles clicking each time they were set down and moved about, draw and discard happening fast. Four rounds, based on directions of the wind: North, West, East, South. He never properly understood the rules. But sometimes mystery intrigues, what you don’t quite know. And here they are again, those tiles.

 

—Round 2, West—

The sun has just set. He descends through near darkness into the mountains, whose textures, folds, ridges and cloud layers appear as tiles from a distance. The gleaming lights of an urban architecture suggest a city with skyscrapers, stadiums, bridges. He descends and descends, and as he does so he senses how those mountains embedded with volcanoes, ready to erupt at any moment, could be interpreted by connoisseurs as mahjong tiles, to exploit or revere depending on who’s doing the reading. Andes. Mahjong. Andes. Mahjong. His mind flicks between the two. Which is real, or are both real at the same time. In any case, here he is now, dropping fast. Dead. But instead of greeting the worms, or ascending to heaven, or finding himself in hell, he’s falling into this in-between, where space overlaps time. All at once anything is possible, more than possible, synchronous or even probable. All at once there are affinities in the texture of the universe and in style, certain chords seeking others. He collaborated with so many people in life. Milton Nascimento. Joni Mitchell. Miles Davis. Miroslav Vitouš. The skin of the cosmos shifts to the soft click of tiles. Nat Hentoff explained it well in his liner notes to Juju. The ancient Chinese board game influenced the composition “Mahjong” on that album, divided into four sections. Melody gives way to rhythm and vice versa, in a coming and going, over and over, each moment laying the groundwork for the next.

 

—Round 3, East—

When he studied Buddhism late in life, he again discovered the ideas of mahjong. Reciprocity, cosmic unity, rebirth. He collaborated on a book about music and the spirit with Herbie Hancock and Daisaku Ikeda, which takes the form of conversation, and begins: “Dialogue is a kind of music created among human spirits.” The opposite is true, too; music is a kind of dialogue. There it is in his ear, the sound of an Indian or Chinese pentatonic scale. Or no? The music is folkloric. This is the Andes. It is night, he has landed, he is in a plaza. Gradually the disorientation subsides. A woman plays a flute. There is so much to say, but they say nothing, in words. The rhythms of her flute echo those of his track “Mahjong”. Or does “Mahjong” echo its chords? Who is this woman? Who is he? A self-proclaimed rogue philosopher, a believer in the multiverse, a dweller of the lotus-shaped cave. A man who calls himself Emanon, the word taken from a Dizzie Gillespie track. He arrived here not naked, but more than naked, as music floating through the sky, or circulating through the heart of this woman. “A man travels to the past and introduces funk or free jazz to Jean-Baptiste Lully and Johann Sebastian Bach, thus destroying musical continuity and introducing anarchy at the courts of Versailles and Leipzig.” That would be a different story, one he jotted down at some point in a notebook, thinking he would sketch. But here he is not the teacher of an ignorant student who laps up his words like those of a divine god. The notes of his saxophone are no longer accompanied by McCoy Tyner’s piano, but emerge from this flute.

 

—Round 4, South—

He always had a special relationship with air. Air moving through his instrument, air enveloping the plane that crashed with his wife and hundreds of other passengers inside. One of the last things he looked at was a painting of her. And now he recognizes aspects of her being in this beautiful woman playing the flute. She is not quite his Japanese wife or Brazilian wife or second Brazilian wife, but someone else, someone who plays the flute like a saxophone. He hears the song, plays the song, is the song. He is pure music, a spiral of melody. Once again, and soon, he will be reborn as hot breath. Once again, and soon, he will return to the inside of this instrument, infinitely close to her warm mouth. Once again, and soon, he will be air, and will make a different music, more futuristic than a space rocket and more ancient than lapis lazuli. Once again, and soon, he will come back to this place where Asia kisses the South American cordillera, and the eternal game continues.

The Nevada Desert Experience

Sean Winkler is a Lecturer in Philosophy at Loyola Marymount University and the University of Redlands, as well as a freelance copy-editor. His other published works of short fiction have appeared in Locust Review, Great Ape, Mercurius and Tiny Molecules.


I’m staring out the window of The Nevada Desert Experience. It’s midnight and at any moment, the phone will ring. In the meantime, I look out upon this desolate landscape, thinking about how it all began, more than half a century ago. May 5, 1955: the military detonates Apple II, a 28-kiloton device as part of Operation Teapot. The mission: to test the effects of a nuclear strike on the American dream. Houses, diners, gas stations, were all built to scale, with wax mannequins posed inside in still life; ‘doom towns’ they called them. They learned then that there are two halves to every nuclear explosion; the first that pushes outward, searing the paint clean off the façade, and the second that inhales everything all back towards the mushroom cloud, creating a suction that blows it all to kingdom come. Somehow, though, one structure managed to withstand Apple II and now, a renovation and fresh coat of paint later, we have the ‘Experience’. They started it as a novelty getaway for mom, dad and the kids, but it wasn’t long before it became what we all knew it would: a hideout for hustlers and runaways.

The owner is a scrawny, frantic middle-aged man who minds his own business. He appears about how I imagine his mother dressed him and combed his hair for a school yearbook photo back in those golden postwar years. The slicked part in his hair is a bit more crooked now, his smile more like gritted teeth and he has a tendency to fumble any task, no matter how simple. Sometimes, I imagine him before all this, in his front yard on a Sunday morning, mowing the lawn and smiling as the neighbors returned home from church, only to have the mower break down, him to yell obscenities at it and the neighbors to go back to minding their manners and shuffle inside for brunch. He hung that all up for this, I think to myself: owner, manager and sole employee of the ‘Experience’. But this pressure cooker of a man keeps to himself and doesn’t ask any questions. So as far as I’m concerned, he’s just fine.

Every room here comes with 1950s, period appropriate home appliances: the refrigerators, dishwashers and hand mixers the way they all used to look, like sports cars. In the hotel lobby encased in glass, you’ll find those same old mannequins from Operation Teapot, pieced back together like Humpty Dumpty with their faces still grinning in vapid delight, even after all that they’ve been through. There’s a slot machine down there too. On nights like this, I’ll turn on the main access channel on the TV, which runs a 24-hour stream of American nuclear weapons tests: Baker, Castle Bravo, Castle Romeo, Nutmeg, Trinity. I must have seen them all by now; the hypnotic glow that pulsed through the veins of postwar America.

The biggest attraction of the ‘Experience’, though, is the one that was never completed. About a football field’s distance from the hotel, you’ll find a full scale, fiberglass replica of the mushroom cloud of Apple II; 490 feet of a perfect architectural rendering of the black-orange eruption, like a volcano belched out of the Nevada Desert, frozen in time. They managed to finish the outside, but discontinued construction when business dried up. The scaffolding still crowns around it. Apparently, you would have been able to take an elevator to the top to feel what it was like to ride the cloud high up into the summer sky, maybe even catching a glimpse of the Las Vegas strip on the way

Now, they say that the radiation leveled out here years ago, but sometimes at this hour of the night, I swear I can hear the phantom of the explosion, how it tore open the sky, quaked the earth and charred rock into ash. But, something interrupts that thought tonight; something that I’d never seen before, crawling deliberately across the moonlit desert sand. I always thought that whatever had been alive out here had to have been blown to extinction. Though, here was some giant reptile---grey scaly flesh, pudgy legs and a giant domed shell---a tortoise maybe, the size of a child’s wagon. Maybe, this was nature’s way of patiently, but determinedly, reclaiming its place in this prehistoric domain. I think about where came from and where he’s off to and it reminds of the long, lonely drive out here; 60 miles northwest of Sin City, in the middle of the sweltering 1360 square miles of Nye County. I remember how the cool glow of the neon sign, the pastel pink façade and the mint green rooftop, beckoned me in the summer night even from miles off and lit up my dashboard as I drove in. And, I remember that I’m staring out the window at The Nevada Desert Experience; that it’s midnight and any minute now, that phone call should be coming in.

Questions to Ask While In Orbit

Alice Rhee is a writer, teacher, and sound artist currently based in upstate New York. 


I want to excise my eyes. I want to rest my naked eyeballs in a silver bowl. I want to feel the bowl grow heavy in my hands as it fills with tears, like an enchanted flagon from a fairy tale. Or a self-filling water dish from Petco.

I am saving up to remove one eye. Then, the other. However, the elegant image of two surgeons in long white coats, working in tandem to extract both eyeballs, movements mirrored, is beautiful. More beautiful than any ballet. And at either side of the operating table, the silver bowls. Syncopated plink as they drop the eyeballs in. The hushed murmur as the bowls fill.

Enucleation surgery costs between $450 to $1,000. But that’s if you’re a dog. I trust there are corrupt veterinarians, though. I’m making my way down the directory of vets in my city—I’ll know when I find the one.

Do eyeballs float? Or do they sink? I ask my optometrist, James. His eyeglass shop, Yes! Vision, is down the street from my apartment. I work for him part time. I take phone calls for him, schedule appointments, polish mirrors and glasses. I bring him gifts from home. Hot buttered toast, balanced on a paper towel. A pack of waxy crayons, like new. He has a Tinder profile, though we’ve never matched.

James is adjusting a pair of green plastic glasses on a baby’s head. The baby’s mother glances at me and then looks away. The movement is quick, scalded.

They would probably sink, he says. He adjusts the elastic band to secure the glasses to the baby’s soft skull. James has small hands and delicate, tapered fingers. I imagine James could slide a thumb into my eye socket, against the edge of my eyeball, and I would feel nothing. It would feel less painful than pressing a bruise. He could release it from the socket within seconds.

I keep trying to find ways for our hands to accidentally touch. I would like to hold his hand. I would like nothing better. He’s wise to my ways though. Please don’t, he says.

Another time, as I stood in doorway of Yes! Vision, about to leave, I tried explaining to him once that I live in a constant state of persistent images. Everything imparts a ghostly halo and when I close my eyes, these outlines glow in the dark of my mind. I can’t sleep. I can’t get any peace.

What, he said, you mean floaters? That’s normal. Happens when you’re old.

If I hold a photo negative to the sun and gaze at it for a duration, would it imprint the image onto my retinas? Each eye like a golden locket, holding a picture?

The few customers and James lifted their heads to look up at me. I wasn’t sure if I had asked these questions out loud. Their heads rotated in unison, eyes fixed onto an LED billboard truck as it drove by. An illuminated video clip of a sleeping woman rushed past. Or maybe the screen froze while she was mid-blink. New single out now! Hate to Love You!

I’ve never been in love. It’s not for someone like me. But I thought I was loved, once. Not by James, but someone else. His gaze felt like a plug jammed into my eye socket. Thick, inflexible wire connected us at the pupil. It hurt to look at him. It hurt to look away. I teared up. He moved across the subway car and stood next to me. He wiped the teardrop away with a finger before it even made its way down my cheek. He licked his finger, then sucked it.

Memories are a saline solution. You can see your reflection in them.

I ask too many questions and it disturbs the clients and distracts James from his work, so I write them down in a Yes! Vision-branded notebook. To date I have sketched out four hundred and twenty-six different ideas for replacement eyes. Such as:

A hollow orb with a flat side, like a manhole cover painted with an illustration of an eye, and I could hide things in the socket. I could traffic illegal substances across international waters, such as thimble-sized bags of heroin, or a single earring made of red coral.

Perhaps I could wedge a thick stub of pastel chalk in one socket, a knob of pink Himalayan salt in the other. Over the course of the night, they would dissolve, leaving powdery deposits across my blanket. I could learn to feel colors with my fingertips. The crystallized edges of my pillowcase would glitter in moonlight.

I pick a veterinarian’s office in Greenpoint with horrible reviews. When I call to make an appointment, they tell me to come in any time. I feel dizzy. This could be the one.

On the way, I stop by Party City and pick up an eyepatch for a pirate costume for $2.50. I buy a brown stuffed animal in the shape of a dog. Wedged under my arm, viewed from an angle, it will look real enough.

I have memorized the scientific terms related to the eye and its anatomy. This will convince the vet that I have done my research and mean business. It didn’t persuade the other vets. But this one, I’m hopeful, will be particularly stupid.

The eye socket is called the orbit. I imagine the hard bone, engraved with millions of pathways made by each beam of light piercing my eyes. The orbit is probably buffed smooth from it. I’ve seen enough. My orbit is complete.

After enucleation, I will ask James to close his eyes, and press his ear against the hollow. Would he hear the ocean? Or would he hear my blood in orbit, the churning sound of the universe in motion, something I shouldn’t have to witness alone?

Meeting Mrs. Dalloway

Influenced by David Bowie, Virginia Woolf and Sally Wainwright, Elinora Westfall is an Australian/British lesbian actress and writer of stage, screen, fiction, poetry and radio from the UK. Her novel, Everland, has been selected for the Penguin and Random House WriteNow 2021 Editorial Programme, and her short films have been selected by Pinewood Studios & Lift-Off Sessions, Cannes Film Festival, Raindance Film Festival, Camden Fringe Festival and Edinburgh Fringe Festival, while her theatre shows have been performed in London's West End and on Broadway, where she won the award for Best Monologue. Elinora is also working on The Art of Almost, a lesbian comedy-drama radio series as well as writing a television drama series and the sequel to Everland.


It’s early. Mid-morning. Mid-July. Somewhere between the 14th and the 20th, she forgets.

The calendar isn’t useful, it’s on the dresser in the hallway, or perhaps, by now, shredded for mulch in the compost, after Pinker, wagging his tail, happily ate the entire of October last Tuesday when Vanessa had visited and bought the children (and the noise that comes with children).

Anyway, she hesitated. Traced the outline of a teaspoon with her finger. The thought evaded her, she had been thinking something about the dresser? The dog? Vanessa? She couldn’t remember, because tea was brought to the table, and the sunshine through the steam brought such a sudden sense of displacement that she thought she might stand up and leave the tea shop (halfway between Richmond and the rest of the world) before she had even made up her mind to do so.

It was the woman by the window who made her stay - the woman who, by chance, or perhaps something else entirely, was sitting perfectly still, and perfectly framed between the ever-disappearing ribbons of steam.

She was wearing a hat, which, it seemed, turned her entire face upside down (so little joy there was in her expression that the tea, still yet to be poured, was too bitter to drink), and all the colour from her face seemed to have fallen out of her head and onto the table, where, between the bouquet of flowers -  the blurred dark purple of heliotrope, the velvety blues of delphiniums interspersed with daisies, and shot through with spindly disappointing yellow flowers which she couldn’t remember the name of, but would ask Vita, should she see her soon - a thought which turned itself over in her mind, flopped belly up, and underneath she found the calendar she had lost mid-thought earlier.

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